


Juggling Tricks

by purglepurglepurgle



Category: Final Fantasy VII Remake (Video Game 2020)
Genre: Gen, Humour, Juggling, OOC!Rufus, Parody, ff7 remake, practically AU, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:15:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23531434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purglepurglepurgle/pseuds/purglepurglepurgle
Summary: Rufus gets the call that he's now President. Remake parody fic. OOC Rufus.
Relationships: Rufus Shinra & Tseng
Comments: 12
Kudos: 10





	Juggling Tricks

**Author's Note:**

> Remake parody, so extreme it's practically an AU. Meticulously researched. Features a very OOC Rufus Shinra.

The phone rang. "Rufus." Tseng's voice. "Your father is dead."

"Oh, shit, really?" Rufus Shinra dropped his 5th blunt of the day, singeing his bedcovers. "Wait, does that mean I'm President sometime?"

"Literally now. Your helicopter's waiting outside."

"Oh, shit, really?" Rufus stumbled out of bed, half-naked. The blunt continued to burn; his duvet was a bit on fire. He tried batting at it, but it didn't help, so he decided he'd better just leave instead. "Shit, man, I can't exactly walk right now..."

"Have I caught you at a bad time, Sir?" Tseng's voice sounded clipped as Rufus struggled to find the 'off' button for the cassette player. Chromatic scales, man, chromatic scales...

He vaguely remembered Tseng had asked him a question. Tseng. What a guy. "That hair..."

"Rufus?"

"Hi, Tseng! Speak of the devil! I was just thinking about you!"

"Are you busy? You sound... distracted."

"Well, it's a Saturday, Tseng." Rufus pulled on a few belts and decided he was dressed. "Been steadily working through a crate of wine, and I've spent the day getting high and practicing juggling tricks. Student life, you know. I've got that Gold Saucer Coin Trick down!"

"Very good, Sir."

Rufus flipped a coin across his fingers. That 'Impress The Chicks With Six Slick Tricks' book had paid for itself. Flames licked his curtains. "Can we stop off to buy a dog? I want a dog. I'm gonna dress it in chains, call it 'Dark Nation', it'll be badass."

"Sir--"

"Oh, hey, I'm the President! My first order: we're buying a dog!"

**Author's Note:**

>  _My image of guys who are good at juggling does not match up with Square's image of guys who are good at juggling. Having spoken to an expert in the tightly coupled fields of juggling and getting high, apparently my image is off; Rufus' trick is less of a stoner contact-juggling trick and more the sort of trick one learns in casinos, while messing around with poker chips, and should be associated with the card sharp type instead. But I already wrote this and it's nonsense anyway, so whatever._  
>    
> _He sounds a lot like my Reno._  
>   
>  _This partly came outta an earlier draft fic where everyone would act in-character but talk out-of-character:_
> 
> _"Hey, your dad's dead,'" said Tseng, over the phone.  
>  "Aw, cheeses, you sure?" said Rufus.  
> "Absofuckinglutely," said Tseng. "See ya on the flipside." And he hung up._


End file.
